


Coffee Oceans

by AsagiStilinski



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Magic, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Based on a Melanie Martinez Song, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Body Worship, Bodyswap, Canon Compliant, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Crossdressing, Dysphoria, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Established Relationship, Fluff, Katsuki Yuuri Needs a Hug, Light Angst, M/M, Macabre, Magic, Married Couple, Married Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Sad Katsuki Yuuri, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sort Of, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Victor Nikiforov Is In Love, slight eye horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-17 01:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20612516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagiStilinski/pseuds/AsagiStilinski
Summary: If only you could see what I seeViktor is tired of watching Yuri deprive himself of the things he wants just because he can't stand his own reflection, he aims to fix this problem by quite literally showing Yuri what he sees in himOr: Everything is the same except Viktor can exchange his own eyes with Yuri's- literally





	Coffee Oceans

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Melanie Martinez's "K-12" film, specifically "Orange Juice", wich... not just the song but the entire sequence for it was so incredibly gorgeous and touching, Orange Juice is definitely my favorite song of her's now (longtime Crybaby here- like... really long xD) and I felt like it was so relevant to YOI, to Yuri specifically, and I really wanted to do this for it
> 
> Partly also inspired by my freind Venom noting that the reason Yuri and Viktor cry differently is likely because it's Yuri's eyes we're seeing the show through and therefore everything Viktor does is beautifull and perfect but everything Yuri does is ugly- pretty diamond tears and supermodel crying vs fat globby tears and a messy face

"I don't think I feel comfortable with this...."

Glancing up from his phone, Viktor tilted his head, confusion on his face

"Why not? I thought you said you wanted to try wearing women's clothing,"

It had only taken Viktor by surprise in terms of timing

He had actually kind of expected Yuri to experiment with the typical societal standards of gender for a wile now, ever since Yuri told him about envisioning himself as a woman when he was skating Eros, he had just assumed it would be something he would want to try

But after over a year of Yuri never saying anything about it, he had just assumed that he had been wrong, or perhaps that Yuri would never feel comfortable with the idea, so it came as quite a surprise when, seemingly out of the blue, Yuri had shyly asked if they could try dress shopping

_"I just want to see what it looks like,"_ he had said, his fingers tracing over the edges of his skate guards back and forth, over and over, his eyes on the floor, as though he had really expected Viktor to tell him no

Viktor, ofcourse, had insisted that they use their next day off to do just that

Now, two days later, they sat in the changing area of Viktor's favorite boutique- or... more accurately, Viktor sat, with clothes neatly piled up on the bench next to him, waiting for Yuri to come out of the dressing room and already in the middle of an excited text to Chris that he was about to see a brand new side of beauty to his gorgeous husband

But.. after two days of nervous excitement on Yuri's part, he was suddenly backing out, and Viktor felt more than a little disappointed by that

What could have happened in the span of five minutes to make him so uncomfortable?

_"I did, and I tried it, and now I-... I just... I don't feel comfortable like this anymore,"_

_Oh_

Oh, Viktor recognized that tone

It was the same stumbling, nearly choking tone that Yuri always used when he was upset with himself and feeling bad about his appearance

Viktor wasn't exactly a gambling man, but he would have bet his life savings that this had nothing to do with the way Yuri felt wearing a dress, and everything to do with the way he felt looking into the mirror

Eyes narrowed, he set down his phone and got up, silently crossing into the dressing room and shutting the curtain behind him

"V-Viktor!!"

Oh, good, Yuri hadn't started changing back just yet

He was so beautifull....

The dress was relatively simple, navy blue, nee-length, button-down, with ruffles at the bottom and a sailor-esque collar in the same shade, a little bow tied in the center of the collar with short ruffled sleeves....

God he was just so _beautifull_

Yuri was reaching for the buttons, but Viktor caught his wrists before he could, gently but firmly forcing them against Yuri's chest instead as he leaned in closer and started pressing kisses against Yuri's neck

"You're so gorgeous Yuri, you're so unbelievably beautifull... you're _perfect_,"

"No... no I'm not," Yuri argued, his voice breaking as he pushed his wrists against Viktor's hands, though there was little actual force behind the action, his eyes welling up with tears as he squeezed them shut and looked away from the mirror

"I'm not beautifull Viktor, I'm not gorgeous, and I'm _definitely_ not perfect.... I'm... I can't... I can't _stand_ the way I look... I can't... and this... this dress only makes me look even _worse_ than I usually do...."

Viktor sighed quietly, gently resting his forehead against Yuri's shoulder and shaking his head

"Yuri.... your eyes are so broken my love, you can't see how beautifull you are, you can't see how incredible you are... I've tried so hard to convince you over the last couple of years, but no matter what I say or do, I can't seem to do it, maybe there isn't a way to fix this, maybe the only thing I can do is to actually show you,"

"What... Viktor-"

Before Yuri could finish his question, Viktor gently pulled his glasses off and carefully spun him around, pressing Yuri's back up against the mirror and reaching forward, his fingers pausing right in front of Yuri's eyes

"You trust me, right, zolotse?"

"O-Ofcourse I do, but what-"

Yuri's breath stuttered, a terrified gasp leaving him as Viktor easily reached in and pulled one of his eyes out, carefully taking Yuri's hand and holding it palm up to put the eye in his grasp, before pulling out the other one and placing it in Yuri's cupped hand beside the first

"V-Viktor, what are you doing!?"

"Showing you," Viktor replied simply, exhaling as he easily removed his own eyes, pulling out the right first and gently placing it into Yuri's eye socket, before doing the same with the left

Viktor was left blinded by this, but he didn't much care- it was a temporary problem anyway

"Look at yourself in the mirror Yuri, and tell me what you see,"

Yuri couldn't speak, at first

He couldn't do more than stutter out an exhale as he stepped back and stared at Viktor's face, his hair, his body...

He didn't look like he usually did

His hair was thinning far more, a dull grey rather than the explosively shimmering silver that Yuri always saw, his eyes were gone but the bags beneath them weren't, and they were much darker than Yuri could ever recall them being before, his pale skin was far less smooth and perfect than usual and his smile was a bit crooked, his figure not as perfectly defined as Yuri usually saw, bulkier here but thinner there- uneven

Yuri wasn't sure what to make of it

"Is this... how you see yourself?" he asked quietly, unable to stop himself from taking in the wildly different appearance from what he was used to

"Oh... so you're looking at me then? Ah, I'm sorry about that, but-"

"Viktor, this isn't realistic," Yuri interrupted, crossing his arms over his chest disapprovingly

"You are... _so_ much prettier than you're giving yourself credit for, do you really think this is what your hair looks like? It looks so, _so_ much better than this...."

"Does it? Well I'm happy to hear that, but now you're getting a taste of your own medicine, aren't you?" Viktor smirked teasingly, moving one hand out carefully to brush against Yuri's shoulder, before carefully squeezing and nudging him to turn towards the mirror

"What do you think now, Yuri? What do you see now?"

Yuri saw..... Yuri saw _beauty_

The only person he had ever seen in his _life_ who was more beautifull than his own reflection was Viktor- _his_ way of seeing Viktor, the realistic way, not the damaged version that Viktor himself saw

But Yuri....

Dear god

Yuri was _stunning_

His complexion was like snow, pure and lacking blemishes, his hair soft and fluffy, his lips in a perfect cupid's bow with the most beautifull peachy tint to them, and his body......

It was so unbelievably beautifull, thin and curved in all of the right places, the dress framing him as if it had been tailor made to fit this body

He had never seen anything like it before

He had never seen himself as looking anything _close_ to this vision before

Everything about him was incredible, and the only thing that looked even slightly out of place were the blue eyes staring back at him

"This.... _this_ is how you see me?" he breathed, feeling tears starting to drop down from his eyes, but they weren't the hideous, fat blobs of salt water that he usually saw when he cried, he wasn't red in the face, he didn't look puffy or messy or like a sobbing child, he still looked _beautifull_ when he cried, his tears like crystal streaks as they ran in smooth, clean lines down the sides of his face, they practically _sparkled_, kind of reminding him of how Viktor cried...

"Ofcourse it is," Viktor said quietly, his hand moving blindly about to find Yuri's waist before hugging him closer and gently resting his head against Yuri's shoulder once again

"You..... you are _incredibly_ biased," Yuri accused, his voice strong and certain, but he couldn't take his eyes- well, _Viktor's_ eyes- off of his own reflection

For once in his life, he didn't want to look away from the mirror

"I am not!" Viktor gasped in total offense, jerking backwards and pouting, wich still looked kind of cute, even with his missing eyes

"Viktor, no one is this beautifull, except for you,"

"Ha, _now_ who's biased?"

"_Still **you**_, you don't look the way you see yourself either!"

"And neither do you," Viktor noted, crossing his arms over his chest

"No one does Yuri, neither of us see ourselves the way others see us- no one ever does, that's the problem, that's why people have so many issues with themselves, no one can see themselves the way their loved ones see them, but wouldn't the world be much happier if everyone _could_?"

"Evidently, _you_ can,"

Viktor let out a soft huff of a laugh, shrugging and leaning back against the wall behind him

"Yeah I suppose so, I've... been avoiding using this power before, it kind of throws me off, exchanging body parts, it's a bit unnerving for me... and I worried that if I had done this any sooner you would only develop a worse sense of your own beauty when I returned your eyes, but Yuri... I can't listen to you destroy yourself anymore, I can't watch you self-destruct and take things away from yourself like this anymore, you are so beautifull Yuri... I needed you to finally see that, even if it had to be through my eyes,"

Yuri gave a quiet, shaking inhale, watching the stream of crystalline tears as they dripped down his face and biting into his lip, shaking his head

"Viktor... no one else sees me this way...."

"No, you're probably right about that, and no one else sees me the way you see me either I'm sure, but Yuri, if I see the best, and you see the worst, don't you imagine that what's real, what other people see as real, is somewhere in between? Maybe you don't look perfect, maybe I'm a little biased, but if I'm biased, then you are too, and if you don't look this perfect.... you can't possibly look as flawed as you think you do either, so in the future, when you look in the mirror, remember how I see you, and consider to yourself that perhaps my vision of you is more realistic than your own, hell even if it's split down the middle, that's still so much better than the way you see yourself, don't you think?"

Yuri swallowed tightly, wiping at his tears before glancing at Viktor again and curling his fingers closed, his fingertips brushing carefully over the eyes in his hand, before turning back towards Viktor

"Maybe," he relented after a moment, taking a step closer

"Maybe, and.. and if that's the case... then Viktor, I want you to see what I see,"

"Oh no no, I don't want to see what you see Yuri, I've heard enough of the way you think you look, the thought of actually seeing it kind of terrifies me, to hear you talk about yourself, you must see something truly frightening in the mirror," he huffed back, laughing nervously as Yuri stepped closer again and gently but firmly forced his eyes into Viktor's empty sockets

"Dammit Yuri-"

"You don't have to look at me, I just want you to see yourself," Yuri said quietly, biting his lip again as he took the glasses from Viktor and carefully placed them over his husband's face

"Oh Yuri, you're fucking blind, I don't understand how you can skate when your vision is this bad..." Viktor had been in the middle of laughing, until he looked in the mirror, an audible gasp leaving his throat as he stared at his reflection, one hand moving up to gently touch his cheek

"Yuri... I look like a supermodel!!" he gasped in amazement

"Oh I'm so beautifull!! This is how you see me? Wow, no wonder you used to admire me so much, I wonder what I looked like to you as a teenager..."

"A goddess," Yuri replied flatly, earning a giggling grin from his husband as Viktor continued to admire himself in front of the mirror

"This is incredible...." he mumbled quietly, turning around to look at Yuri and biting the inside of his lip, he had known that Yuri's self-image was absolutely horrendous, but... actually _seeing_ all of his complaints was a little startling

There were so many flaws, so many imperfections, glaring and impossible to ignore, it broke Viktor's heart to know that this was how he saw himself

"Yuri.... you know, you look awfully pretty with blue eyes," Viktor noted suddenly, pulling a confused look from his husband

"And I look pretty good with brown,"

"What's your point.. exactly?"

"Yurochka... why don't we... why don't we make the trade permanent? We can wear colored contacts if anyone gets suspicious, or hell, I could even modify them to our former colors if you'd really prefer, it's not outside the range of my possibilities,"

Viktor would hate to do that, he liked their eyes just the way they were- _both_ of their sets of eyes

But whatever made Yuri happy...

"I could wear contacts, or just say I started needing glasses, I _am_ getting older after all, and you can say you started wearing contacts if anyone asks, though it's unlikely they will as you don't wear them when you skate so-"

"Why?" Yuri interrupted suddenly, taking a step closer

"Viktor why on earth would you ever want to keep this trade permanent?"

Viktor smiled sadly, taking Yuri by the arm and gently pulling him in front of the mirror again, his hands settling on Yuri's waist

And even now, even seeing all of the flaws that Yuri saw, even seeing him in his worst state- his self-described worst state- Viktor still thought he was beautifull, and he was proud to rest his head against Yuri's shoulder again and press a kiss to his neck

His Yuri... full of beauty, no matter what his flaws were

"Because it breaks my heart that you see yourself this way Yuri, I would rather you see yourself for the beauty you are, just imagine how much better you'd feel if you could see yourself this way all the time, imagine how much happier you would be," he said softly, pressing a kiss against Yuri's jaw

"But.... but then _you_ would have to see me like... like how I see _myself_, all the time... it's a nightmare..."

"I don't mind it," Viktor chuckled

"I hate that you see this, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you, I would love you endlessly even if you looked like Swamp Thing, you know that, and I still think you're beautifull, even now, even seeing you through your own eyes... I still think you're the most beautifull person I've ever seen, you have the nicest smile Yuri, you have the prettiest lips, and the sweetest expressions on your face... just to name a few things,"

As he spoke, as he _believed_ in the words he was saying, he found the most peculiar thing starting to happen

The image of Yuri in the mirror began to shift, his lips looked prettier, pinker, more like how they usually looked to Viktor, and his expression eased, his smile lightened....

Huh....

"I would rather spend the rest of my life loving you and only seeing you this way than give you even a moment more of pain, of seeing yourself like this, of living with this kind of agony, and hey, on the bright side, I look _great_! I could certainly stand to see myself like this more often," he winked teasingly

Yuri tried to blink back tears, but Viktor's words....

They were hitting him so hard that he didn't know how

A few tears streamed down his face, and wile Yuri saw the falling streaks of glitter from earlier, Viktor saw giant blobs of salt water, pouring like a waterfall down a reddened and blotchy and messy face, it... actually made Viktor laugh a little

"Oh zolotse, is this how you see yourself when you cry? It's so cute!!"

"I-It is not! And you see me as some sort of.... I don't even _know_ what, it's like I'm crying _diamonds_ or something,"

"Yes, it's very pretty, but I like this too!! Oh you're so cute with your sweet round face!!"

And... the image in the mirror lightened a little again, looked considerably less distressed and a little less messy, _cuter_...

Weird...

"What do I look like when I cry to you?" he asked curiously

Yuri blinked, rubbing his neck anxiously and biting his lip

"O-Oh um.... well..... I guess kind of... pretty, like a movie star..."

Viktor laughed again, pressing kisses to Yuri's cheeks and grinning enthusiastically

"Again, you say that _I'm_ biased?"

"You are," Yuri sighed, moving his hand down to gently rest on Viktor's waist

"But... I guess maybe I am too, a little bit," he relented

"But I don't want to trade eyes permanently, it wouldn't be right, and.... I'm too happy that you see me this way, I want you to keep seeing me this way," he promised softly, turning to wrap his arms around Viktor's neck and squeeze gently

"I love you so much Viktor... and I love how you see me, I... I want to learn to see it too, or atleast some version of it, if this is how you can see me, then maybe I can learn to see myself differently, maybe... when I'm wrong about myself in the future I can see through your eyes again, maybe we can switch from time to time, until we're both happier with how we look, because Viktor, this hair insecurity you have going on is really not close to reality, and why is your smile so crooked? And-"

"You take issue with the flaws I see," Viktor interrupted, a small smirk on his face as he looked into the mirror, smiling a little bit wider and starting to laugh

"Oh wow, my smile... it looks like a heart to you! That's fucking adorable Yuri!"

"You mean you don't see that?" Yuri asked in surprise, peering over his husband's shoulder

But sure enough, there was no heart in sight, just a crooked curve, mismatched and uneven, actually... Viktor's jaw was kind of uneven too....

"I hate the way I smile," Viktor confessed with a shake of his head

"I refused to smile in pictures for years because I was self-conscious, but when I started getting popular, people thought I looked too somber, so Yakov started making me, now I have a very well practiced stage smile for photos but it isn't genuine, and even that one I don't like, I avoid looking at pictures of myself smiling for this reason, my favorite pictures are ones wherein I look more serious, I think it makes my eyes look bigger and my jaw look smaller when I'm not as expressive,"

Yuri's expression creased, frowning deeply as he moved his hand down to gently cup Viktor's jaw

"You have the prettiest smile I've ever seen, you have the prettiest lips, the prettiest jaw, I don't know why it looks crooked to you, but I think it looks like a heart, and everytime I see it, I'm reminded of how much I love you,"

Viktor smiled again, ducking his head shyly as he gave another soft laugh, and as he did, Yuri noticed with surprise that.. his smile seemed a little bit better, not as crooked, not heart-shaped either- yet- but definitely closer to that than it was a moment before

"You really see that don't you?" Viktor asked softly, gently gliding his fingers through his hair

"Mm, and my hair is so fluff and shiny... it's like platinum!"

"Yeah, I don't know why you don't see it that way, it's so pretty Viktor, so thick and shimmeringly beautifull,"

And as Yuri said those words, he watched Viktor's hair in the mirror begin to fill out, just a little more, becoming lighter and more shimmering, just by a small margin...

"Are you sure you don't want to keep my eyes Yuri?" Viktor asked quietly, his expression more somber now as he shifted his jacket down, getting a better look at himself in the mirror, admiring the perfection of his figure- the perfection he had never quite managed to acheive by his own standards

"I'm sure Viktor," Yuri promised softly, squeezing Viktor's hand

"If this is how you see me.... I want to.... I want to try to see myself more like this, but not by taking your eyes, I want to see this through my own, and I want _your_ eyes to start seeing you better too,"

Viktor's lips curved upwards, and he gave a nod, leaning closer and hugging his husband, murmuring a soft "I love you" into Yuri's shoulder and giving a reluctant sigh

"Ok then.... if you're really sure,"

"I am, but.... but I'd still like the option of borrowing them again sometime, if you're ok with that, I know it freaks you out though, so-"

"No no, it's alright, I think I can make an exception for this,"

Yuri nodded, taking a deep breath... and pausing once more

"Actually, can I.. keep them for a little bit longer? I don't think I'm done dress shopping just yet,"

Viktor beamed with excitement, clapping his hands together and nodding eagerly

"Yes!! Yes absolutely! Oh good, let me go get you another dress!!"

He was out of the dressing room then before Yuri could stop him, leaving the younger skater with a soft snicker, before turning back to the mirror and twirling in his new dress

He looked amazing, staring into the mirror, seeing how well the dress fit him, but even more than that... he looked _happy_, and when Yuri was happy, he looked _incredible_

Just like Viktor did when _he_ was happy

Clearing his face of any remaining tear tracks, he exhaled and smiled at himself in the mirror

He liked it

He hoped he could learn to do that more often

~+~

"Yuri!! Are you almost ready to go? We're going to be late!"

"I'll be right there Viktor!" Yuri called back, turning back to the mirror in front of him and taking a shaking breath, forcing himself not to look away from his reflection, forcing himself not to focus on all of the flaws that he saw there

"I have pretty eyes," he said slowly, watching the copper glint behind his glasses

"I have.... pretty lips, and... good expressions, my face is round but it's nice, it's... _cute_, _I'm_ cute, I'm... I'm _pretty_,"

He couldn't say "beautifull" yet, and half of the words he said were only empty sounds, not actually what he believed, but he was getting there, he had started believing the thing about his eyes and his lips, he was getting there

It had taken over a month just to get to this place, but he wasn't about to quit now

Change happened, he realized, when he believed something about himself, just as it did for Viktor

And if you say something often enough, you start to believe it, no matter what it is

He still felt terrible looking at his reflection most of the time, wondered if he could borrow Viktor's eyes for the night so that his first time going out in a dress would be an entirely happy one, but....

But he wanted to be confident _without_ the help of seeing through Viktor's eyes

He just wanted to be confident in himself _by_ himself

He dragged his fingers through his hair one more time and gave a quiet sigh, smiling a little bit more

"I have _great_ hair,"

As if on cue, he watched his hair get fluffier, softer to look at, and felt proud of himself for managing one more change, after weeks of trying

"Yuri!! What are you doing!?" Viktor called from downstairs

Ah... he really needed to get going though

So he turned away from the mirror and turned out the bathroom light, and as he ran to the stairs, he found himself feeling lighter than he had in years

Lighter and more confident

And maybe one day, he could even make himself feel _beautifull_ too


End file.
